Speaking with James in Ms. today who had just read about my healing the statement was made, ‘this should show people never to give up’, the reference was to the length that we’ve been praying for my deliverance. This reminded me of how many people are still waiting for deliverance; many have also been in their struggle for years. I have a great writing on The Family’ ready to post which was unctioned by a vision I received yesterday; however today while looking for some blank space in a notebook (yes I have a computer and a laptop but sometimes still like to use pen and paper) I came upon a writing that I had done in the very depth of my illness. Reading over it I found seeds (thoughts) that are now bearing fruits, so I’d like to share that writing and then explain how this brought me to greater relationship and understanding of Abba and His love.
Retro writing:
What is the cost of being a child found in the image of Abba? Whatever the cost or suffering involved the price is not too great to be paid.
Suffering impales us to this earth yet once planted deep roots take hold and that dead dry branch buds with the promise of joy to come. Hence the suffering now becomes joy for though the fruit has not yet matured the promise is retrospective and we taste now the joy that is to come. Anticipation turns into participation, our two worlds collide; the temporal and eternal are woven as one. While the body remains Terra bound and oft in deep pain, my spirit is lifted on high, not merely by eagle’s wings for they too belong to the seen world but His very hand bears me aloft lifting me close. I feel His breath sweeping across my spirit playing a melody of love and grace. I dance in the palm of His hand.
Does this spirit dance stop the physical pain? Not always but it does redeem it making it bearable for though my body bears the pain, He who is all cradles me and I am comforted. All things do work for Abba’s intended purpose once we submit ourselves to His hand. Many times it is our greatest struggles which bring to light things, mindsets…which have and would continue to bind us for years. Does Abba want us to suffer? No, but there is temporal suffering and there is a kind of demonically induced deception which would cause us to suffer for eternity, these are often broken by what appears at the time to be inexplicable; however, time and the Spirit cause us to see these circumstances for what they really are. What does the Lord require of us; to love Him above all. How do I spend my love for Abba? By being me, the best me, the me recreated in His image, by Yeshua’s sacrifice and my acceptance of that sacrifice, by the Spirit’s work within, I am restored, renewed, freed from the bonds of sin that which has altered self beyond recognition, free not only to call Him, God but to call Him Abba. How do I spend my love by focusing on relationship with the One I love, I spend that love by refusing to allow the physical circumstances to manipulate me causing me to abdicate my position as a child of the Most High. I further spend my love for Abba by loving the world as He so loved, by being willing to be His hand extended. I freely give myself to see mankind redeemed from the curse by living before them as an example of one freed by greater love, one freed now to love. I spend my love by refusing to be dehumanized by a society that seems bent on eradicating the very essence of why we were created to love Abba and serve Him by loving Him in returning and by extending love to everyone I meet disregarding any promise of reward or return affection. I love for His sake as He has loved me. I spend my love freely to show those bound by addictions that freedom comes by the acceptance of that greater love which Abba bestows.
How do I spend my love for Abba? By acquiescing to His will in every facet of my life; by longing to be filled with His presence at the cost of personal pleasure and gain. I spend it to fill up the cup of suffering in order to join in fellowship with Yeshua. I spend my love by giving my life wholly unreservedly to Abba.
We are not merely to be good but to receive an entirely new nature, reworking in some areas of our personalities, a birth of inner joy. This joy reaches flood stage erupting into rapture which paints a smile on the face of one who suffers; a gaze that sees beyond failing flesh into heavenly scenes; brought again to Terra and the breath of Abba is again inhaled in flesh. Life is transported into the physical dimension again that gives off the luminescence of eternity. The humdrum life becomes extraordinary, weakness dances on legs supported by wonder and light penetrates the darkest corner of the soul dispelling fear; rays of hope sing a melody as old as time and as new as a sparrows first song of the morning. Ecstasy is transformed into worship Here in this secret place of joy we extol His worth, a value beyond mere mortal capacity to express; it is drawn from the inmost place of our being by the Spirit who alone could express His greatness.
The church has often waited for what we’ve understood as The Rapture, the catching away, the bride joining the Bridegroom, truly a culmination of our hopes and dreams; yet does the Spirit not entice us to be one with Yeshua now, one in spirit united with Him now; to dwell in His now, dwelling in joy, His joy, our strength.
I walk in a place of physical disintegration during this season of my life. Some would see it as a valley even as the valley overshadowed by death, yet I see the Spirit brooding over me just as He did over creation calling me to come up higher to a new life in Him, A longed for union of flesh and Spirit, me in Him and Him in me. I walk now with Him in heavenly places that He might be fully seen to walk with me through this light affliction of the flesh here on earth.
Suffering is assuaged by the joy experienced when one is caught up in worship; joy, the inexplicable joy which sits like a rainbow over every trial that we endure glimmering in contrast of color to the dark clouds of sorrow at the infinitesimal penetration of the Spirit’s light. It’s the promise of cessation of the flood of pain that threatens my horizon of well being from whence hope springs in a myriad of colorful images assuring me I am loved. My eyes are drawn not to the sign given but to the One giving the sign for He controls the winds of the storm turning what first appeared to be imminent destruction into a song of hope and love swirling on breezes that caress my spirit instead of the buffeting blast intended by the enemy. I am awash in the gentle light of His presence buoyed up by the joy of knowing I am sheltered in the palm of Abba’s hand. The unknowing questions of tomorrow are put to rest by finding myself alive in the now of His presence, the nearness of His heartbeat a gentle thunder in my ears brings comfort found when I a abandon self into His care. My weakness becomes instead a resting place devoid of struggle for I am comforted by love that bars confusion of my present circumstances. Cradled in that love I am surrounded by His grace learning to trust Him more even as the storm rages beyond that cleft of society that His love chiseled amid the hard place in my life And for just a moment my eyes are lifted even higher than rainbow of joy and for a brief moment I glimpse His smile.
Today:
Whoa I am blown away that I foresaw and foretasted what I am now experiencing in a fuller measure than I have ever before. The suffering tempered me to be able to do something that I had never had in my life. No, not that I wasn’t saved before, I had a great relationship with Abba and always from the time I could remember I stated to one and all that I had a brother, Yeshua (I come from a family in the natural with all girls), I knew of Ruach’s (the Spirit’s) guidance and the voice of God from a very young age. What I’ve never really been able to do since a child was feel. I’ve known and understood (on whatever limited basis it may have been) Abba’s goodness and seen it in work in my life, but to be struck with overwhelming feeling that goodness had not been my experience. I’ve watched as so many were overcome with the power and seen their manifestations always thinking I was missing out on the ‘feelings’ department. I tried to examine if I was too mentally caught up to allow myself to feel but try as I might that didn’t seem to work for me. I’ve known beyond a doubt that Abba loved me and felt that love often but not with the intensity that I’ve had recently. Now the really cool thing is I began feeling, experiencing all this before I was physically healed, I think (no doctrinal statement here) that the inner scar healing that I had prayed for over my physical healing was manifest before the physical manifestation during the times of intense knowing of His goodness and being overwhelmed with His love. It’s as though the enemy had unloaded all his bag of tricks, trying to lie, steal and kill me in various ways and when by Abba’s grace I had been able to stand and gain understanding through it all, Yeshua having led the way and Ruach holding my hand through it all, the floodgate of feeling His presence not just knowing it was meshed, knowledge and feeling, now there’s a great combo. He had told me after returning from Louisville, ‘snuggle, don’t struggle’ which I learned to do when the body was too weak to struggle if I’d wanted to, I learned it was okay not to fast, to pray long hours, to work so hard at getting it right all because my body could not tolerate that kind of work, so now I know the power of snuggling even when the body is up and raring to go, can’t beat the snuggling with Him for impartation. The love I experienced caused hope to spring forth afresh and faith then became sight. I was touched, am being touched, by a love stronger than death. No matter your internal struggle, your physical illness or lacking, no matter how long your journey had been or will be, You can dance now in anticipation of the dance to come. During the illness I learned how to dance more in my spirit than on my feet due again to the physical lack, now I dance where ever I am whether in spirit or in the flesh (been doing a lot of the in the flesh since I have the strength to) either way I’m with Him, dancing to the eternal music of grace, the song which He sings over us was heard very clearly by me when I was too weak to do anything but listen. Now I can still the inner self and hear it having learned the secret to the song. Don’t give up hope, love finds a way and it is a way worth waiting for. If I could impart anything to you right now through this writing it would not necessarily be healing or deliverance though I pray that if you need it but I would impart to you the knowledge of His goodness and just how much He loves you, the rest follows easily after that.
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